Sexy Talk for Sexy People
I admitted something over Gchat. I documented it. Here it is:
I just had a real honest moment over Gchat.
I finally admitted that caring for other people makes me feel less lonely. Creating environments where men (especially) feel the need to lean on me, makes me feel loved (duh). However, the kind of love I want is not the kind I am getting. And instead I am putting out a TON of energy to those who will never ever give me what I want/deserve (also energy to those who I dont want that romantic love back from).
Understandably: we love and care for our friends. That’s what we do. Thats why we have friends: for love and companionship. But I take that caring and use it as a replacement for what is missing. Ok. So what’s wrong with that?
All of this replacement and dependency just clouds me from what I really desire. It makes me justify being treated poorly. Allowing those who whisper sweet nothings in my ear, to act like I am nothing to them in public. For those who promise me love and a future, to bed woman after woman (and tell me about it). This allows me to second guess my worth, my beauty, my strength.
Overall: I am settling. I take this “love” from my male friends, this dependency, and bundle it together and make it my boyfriend. My shitty. little. boyfriend.
So to this I say: no more. I am not sure how. But no longer can I be “mom”, or “tinker bell”. I am pouring endless amounts of love out, and getting droplets in return. If it doesn’t change, soon I’ll be running on empty.